So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
