having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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