Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night