Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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