I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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