omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
