I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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