after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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