he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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