The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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