I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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