I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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