you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
