just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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