Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
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a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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