a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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