The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
