I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
