Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
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