I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
