Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
