this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
