I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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