I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
