I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
