1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How external is "for external use only"?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
