I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
