If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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