If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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