The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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