your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
