I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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