I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
