This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Randomize
