Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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