this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
