I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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