I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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