I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I touched a dick in church today
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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