i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
