i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
