On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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