I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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