You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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