In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
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She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
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Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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