Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
