Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
