Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
