So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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