awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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