I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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