So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
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Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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