After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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