i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Less talking, more tequila
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
