There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
