Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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