Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
