I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
