what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
