Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We have started to decorate penises.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
