Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
