Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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