I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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